From a Bullimic to Being Normal (ii)

As a continuation to what somebody might regard as pathetic piece of writing, I don't think it is where I should stop. Being bullimic is easy, I must say. You indulge yourself with food then purge it out of your system later on. What's difficult is that you wanting to keep it a secret. Well, living in a collective community does not really gives you approval to pulling the act. Plus, you will be regarded as a hypochondriac, a pathetic being, a weirdo, a bad girl, a foolish brat and the list goes on. Of course, you do not need the whole school to know and then they'll alert your parents on that etc. which eventually be suicidal.

Despite that fact, a handful of my friends did know about this and they had been concerned and surprised (as they had never taken the real purging matter into account before). The school dentist and the matron knew too. They suggested me to fast instead of purging my nerve out. Well, that seemed like an option too. :)

But as the saying goes, old habit dies hard. I could not stop what I have started earlier on. if only I could, I won't. You may wonder why. If a bullimic tries to stop purging, she'll feel sick. Gravely sick. Everytime she puts food and swallow it in, the need to purge arises. If she fails to account to that need, it seems like banging her head to the wall till it torns and bleeds is a better thing to do. Just think of a junkie addict not getting his usual morphine. He can kills, can't he? Just to get to put that thing inside his system. The same with the bullimic, she has to get that food out of her system.

I lived for the couple of years with imbalance confidence and ultimate fear that my heart would stop its rhythm one day. Only my brain would still be thinking then of what circumstance I have put myself into. None of the people who knew had ever tried to motivate me from stopping. They just asked if I would stop. I said yes, eventually. A cliche, that was. I didn't.

My sanity, nonetheless had made it clear that I should stop someday somehow at someplace of my life. Otherwise, I could be the next person on the noose. I, then decided to stop, to really stop when I was diagnosed with low blood pressure and heartburns. I did not intend to worsen my condition. That was when I am about to turn 20.

The inward motivation really works as I believe what the others are saying about sheer willpower. When you will something, seek God to accompany you with strength and perseverance. He will one day, grants your prayer. And He answers them in three ways; (1) He says yes and grants you what you wanted. (2) He says no and grants you something better or (3) He says wait and he gives you the best in eternity. I guess I had gotten what I prayed for.