From a Bullimic to Being Normal

I don't actually know where to start. How about if I mention E! News. Yep, and that was how it brought me back to the past. The past that I don't really share or give a second thought about nowadays. But then, it is important for me to share it now because I think by sharing, I can actually receive a lot more. I just had the courage to bare it all for you to know who I had been in my past.

Honestly, one of the most terrifying fears among girls (and women too) is about their weight. When going for shopping, trying on a nice pretty dress, you'll be familiar with questions like these (1) Do I look fat in this? (2) Does it makeS my arse looks bigger? (3) Do you have a smaller size? (Note: smaller means tinier than a size 0). The need (or the feel in particular) to be scrawny and making it into even a size smaller than the actual size is like a charm for girls (and women) to look'thin' and worse, be considered beautiful. It compels to the believe that being thin, tall, and fair are evertyhing beyond beautiful.

I was around 12 or 13 at that time, back in the 90s where RTM2 used to screen late night movies which I still think, are the best. That was the time when I used to sneaked out of my room after everyone has gone to bed and switched on the tv. I would watch in the dark and stayed like an inch from the tv just so not to wake anyone (especially my parents) up. That explains the bad eyesight and astigmatism. Among the movies are about Reed syndrome, another is about the Israeli invasion into the Palestinian land. But the most significant movie changed my view on food and why we consume it, that is just to add on our weight! And the best part; how can we get rid of them out of our system.

It wasn't a documentary, it was a movie alright. So the story began with two young girls (around my age). They're a complete item, the BFF if I must say. So this one girl starts to retain herself from eating just so she will not gain weight and maintain her tiny figure. After battling with hunger for sometimes days, that girl will consume an excessive amount of food. Then out of guilt, she will purge the food out of her system before they are being digested (or even cradle into the stomach safely). It's like a mirage, your illusion cheats your mind to think there's water on the desert, sparkling on the edge of the sahara. Similarly, the body will think that food is given to it but apparently, there's nothing to be digested or absorbed.

It didn't take long before the other girl finds out the formula to stay thin, slim and slender. She'd also become an avid bullimic. The method, use the three fingers; thumb, index and the middle finger. The rest is up to your imagination. The result, obvious weight loss in just a few weeks. The good thing, it's cheap and chemical-free (unlike using laxatives).

Days turned out into months, the latter girl was found dead due to heart failure and abnormal pulse.

I wasn't affected by the consequences of being a bullimic, but I was more interested in loosing weight at that time. Standing at 4'10" weighing 45 kg didn't seem to match with me. I need to be thinner, as I wanted to continue doing the gymnastic routines happily, like the cutwill, bridge and bending your head to meet your toes (forgot what it's called). I'm not a real gymnast (as I don't go for competitions), just a few classes with Mama and Miss Catarina Assanova (Putri & the Kedah team's coach) in primary. Deep inside, I know exactly what to do.
And I did. I became a bullimic.