Qattala Qalbi..

Maksudnya belahan hatiku. Soal jodoh itu kompleks, payah untuk difikirkan semua logikanya. Jodoh itu rahsia Allah. Yang aku tahu, semua orang punya jodohnya masing-masing. Cuma tinggal ketemu atau tidak di atas dunia ini. Jika tidak, ada yang lebih baik dan hebat menanti di syurga kelak. Itu aku percaya. Kerana satu bagiku 'dalam segala musim, Tuhan selalu Penyayang'. Dalam kita lupa, ingat, sedar dan alpa, Tuhan selalu berikan yang terbaik untuk kita.

Somewhere,over the Rainbow..

Somewhere in our hearts, we might’ve wished that we could be over the rainbow (and indeed, we’re no leprechauns!). We share the dream of getting over the rainbow as a wonderful feeling, the one similar to the time when you first smile at your dream guy. Isn’t that just lovely? When you feel there are butterflies in your stomach, spreading their wings to the utmost, getting ready to fly freely.
However, that feeling constitutes another person to be in the same shoes as we are just to get the pair in love. Otherwise, love will be mere liking for someone. It’ll never grow and never be cherished. What’ll remain is only a broken heart. A heart that breaks out of unacceptable love or love that can never be sustained. Love, on top of that, shall be incapable and disabled.
Being in love suppress all the negativity of a person. It holds the entire best thing in that person and sometimes, it is just an imaginary of being too indulged in love. Over the rainbow is all about this. The ‘over the rainbow’ phase may takes a long while or even a short one to overcome of as proposed by Omar Khayyam in his poem, Rubai’yyat; “Like Wind it comes, but like Water it goes.” Love cannot be seen like the wind, we can only feel for its presence. When the time comes for love to bid farewell, it is like water, smooth and soothing but it can also be harsh. It flows more slowly that when it came, leaving marks of reminiscence in our hearts.

From a Bullimic to Being Normal (ii)

As a continuation to what somebody might regard as pathetic piece of writing, I don't think it is where I should stop. Being bullimic is easy, I must say. You indulge yourself with food then purge it out of your system later on. What's difficult is that you wanting to keep it a secret. Well, living in a collective community does not really gives you approval to pulling the act. Plus, you will be regarded as a hypochondriac, a pathetic being, a weirdo, a bad girl, a foolish brat and the list goes on. Of course, you do not need the whole school to know and then they'll alert your parents on that etc. which eventually be suicidal.

Despite that fact, a handful of my friends did know about this and they had been concerned and surprised (as they had never taken the real purging matter into account before). The school dentist and the matron knew too. They suggested me to fast instead of purging my nerve out. Well, that seemed like an option too. :)

But as the saying goes, old habit dies hard. I could not stop what I have started earlier on. if only I could, I won't. You may wonder why. If a bullimic tries to stop purging, she'll feel sick. Gravely sick. Everytime she puts food and swallow it in, the need to purge arises. If she fails to account to that need, it seems like banging her head to the wall till it torns and bleeds is a better thing to do. Just think of a junkie addict not getting his usual morphine. He can kills, can't he? Just to get to put that thing inside his system. The same with the bullimic, she has to get that food out of her system.

I lived for the couple of years with imbalance confidence and ultimate fear that my heart would stop its rhythm one day. Only my brain would still be thinking then of what circumstance I have put myself into. None of the people who knew had ever tried to motivate me from stopping. They just asked if I would stop. I said yes, eventually. A cliche, that was. I didn't.

My sanity, nonetheless had made it clear that I should stop someday somehow at someplace of my life. Otherwise, I could be the next person on the noose. I, then decided to stop, to really stop when I was diagnosed with low blood pressure and heartburns. I did not intend to worsen my condition. That was when I am about to turn 20.

The inward motivation really works as I believe what the others are saying about sheer willpower. When you will something, seek God to accompany you with strength and perseverance. He will one day, grants your prayer. And He answers them in three ways; (1) He says yes and grants you what you wanted. (2) He says no and grants you something better or (3) He says wait and he gives you the best in eternity. I guess I had gotten what I prayed for.

From a Bullimic to Being Normal

I don't actually know where to start. How about if I mention E! News. Yep, and that was how it brought me back to the past. The past that I don't really share or give a second thought about nowadays. But then, it is important for me to share it now because I think by sharing, I can actually receive a lot more. I just had the courage to bare it all for you to know who I had been in my past.

Honestly, one of the most terrifying fears among girls (and women too) is about their weight. When going for shopping, trying on a nice pretty dress, you'll be familiar with questions like these (1) Do I look fat in this? (2) Does it makeS my arse looks bigger? (3) Do you have a smaller size? (Note: smaller means tinier than a size 0). The need (or the feel in particular) to be scrawny and making it into even a size smaller than the actual size is like a charm for girls (and women) to look'thin' and worse, be considered beautiful. It compels to the believe that being thin, tall, and fair are evertyhing beyond beautiful.

I was around 12 or 13 at that time, back in the 90s where RTM2 used to screen late night movies which I still think, are the best. That was the time when I used to sneaked out of my room after everyone has gone to bed and switched on the tv. I would watch in the dark and stayed like an inch from the tv just so not to wake anyone (especially my parents) up. That explains the bad eyesight and astigmatism. Among the movies are about Reed syndrome, another is about the Israeli invasion into the Palestinian land. But the most significant movie changed my view on food and why we consume it, that is just to add on our weight! And the best part; how can we get rid of them out of our system.

It wasn't a documentary, it was a movie alright. So the story began with two young girls (around my age). They're a complete item, the BFF if I must say. So this one girl starts to retain herself from eating just so she will not gain weight and maintain her tiny figure. After battling with hunger for sometimes days, that girl will consume an excessive amount of food. Then out of guilt, she will purge the food out of her system before they are being digested (or even cradle into the stomach safely). It's like a mirage, your illusion cheats your mind to think there's water on the desert, sparkling on the edge of the sahara. Similarly, the body will think that food is given to it but apparently, there's nothing to be digested or absorbed.

It didn't take long before the other girl finds out the formula to stay thin, slim and slender. She'd also become an avid bullimic. The method, use the three fingers; thumb, index and the middle finger. The rest is up to your imagination. The result, obvious weight loss in just a few weeks. The good thing, it's cheap and chemical-free (unlike using laxatives).

Days turned out into months, the latter girl was found dead due to heart failure and abnormal pulse.

I wasn't affected by the consequences of being a bullimic, but I was more interested in loosing weight at that time. Standing at 4'10" weighing 45 kg didn't seem to match with me. I need to be thinner, as I wanted to continue doing the gymnastic routines happily, like the cutwill, bridge and bending your head to meet your toes (forgot what it's called). I'm not a real gymnast (as I don't go for competitions), just a few classes with Mama and Miss Catarina Assanova (Putri & the Kedah team's coach) in primary. Deep inside, I know exactly what to do.
And I did. I became a bullimic.